Wednesday, March 2, 2016

My Fellow Americans

You stupid bastards. Once again you have proven that given a clear choice, you continually make the wrong one. It appears I must finally declare my independence of you rather than continue participating in this charade known as popular government. If you think this is just sour grapes because of the recent primary election results, I say you are wrong; this is wine made from the sour grapes. So here are a few statements of the principles I intend to follow in my new independent state:

1st Amendment: From now on I oppose all wars and military actions abroad on the simple principle that no news sources are credible.

2nd Amendment:  From now on I plan to satirize with the bitterest irony possible all moves made by our govt. that appear to me ludicrous, which will probably leave little or no time for other recreational pursuits. 

3rd Amendment:  Any laws proposed and/or passed by officials of the United States of Dumbfuckery that are hostile to groups for no reason other than race, gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, atheism, or other personal motives will be callously satirized to extract the greatest possible humor and undermine the credibility of those laws and the persons supporting them in the eyes of intelligent readers.

4th Amendment: Any egregiously ignorant opinions expressed by citizens of Dumbfuckery will be held up to ridicule as often as deemed funny.